Please lookup the word "gay" in Oxford Dictionary. Then look it up in Urban Dictionary If this picture does not bring you happiness and joy, nothing can

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes he replies"

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes he replies"

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes he replies"

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel... A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, “$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but imagine what I would own, if only I had a pussy."

The Act of Insertion

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Positions

Locations

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Sex Related Noises

Approaching Orgasm

Orgasm

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Pulling Out

Multiple Orgasms

Special Orgasms

Premature Ejaculation*

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

Recovering

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

Trying Again

Dreaming

Group Sex

Masturbation

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Personal Fears

Getting Caught

Almost Getting Caught

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
- George W. Bush

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

"All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."
- Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads during an interview with Katie Couric

"The Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes."
- Ted Stevens

“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization...And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did. That's what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing]."
- Glenn Beck

"Uh, uh, Chuck Graham, state senator, is here. Stand up, Chuck, let ‘em see you. Oh, God love you. What am I talking about."
- Joe Biden, speaking to wheelchair-bound Missouri state senator, Charles Graham.

"It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: 'Sit down and shut up,' but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out."
- Sarah Palin, announcing her resignation as governor.

"Where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
- Christina Aguilera

"I'm so smart now. Everyone is always like, 'Take your top off.' Sorry, no! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."
- Paris Hilton

"Exercise freaks... Are the ones putting stress on the health care system."
- Rush Limbaugh

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
- George W. Bush

"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
- Britney Spears

Posted on the HuffingtonPost.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

At this moment the cab driver hit a parked car.

Nasreddin once had an old boat, which he used to ferry people across the river.

One day, he was taking a university professor to the other side.

"What is the square root of 9?" asked the professor.

"I don't know," answered Nasreddin.

"How do you spell elephant?" asked the professor.

"I have no idea," replied Nasreddin.

"Didn't you study anything at school?" demanded the professor, surprised.

"No," said Nasreddin.

"Then you wasted half your life," said the professor.

Nasreddin was silent for a little while. Then he said:

"Can you swim?"

"No," said the professor.

"Then you wasted ALL of your life," said Nasreddin. "We are sinking."

One day, a poor man, who had only one piece of bread to eat, was walking past a restaurant. There was a large pot of soup on the table. The poor man held his bread over the soup, so the steam from the soup went into the bread, and gave it a good smell.

Then he ate the bread.

The restaurant owner was very angry at this, and he asked the man for money, in exchange for the steam from the soup.

The poor man had no money, so the restaurant owner took him to Nasreddin, who was a judge at that time.

Nasreddin thought about the case for a little while.

Then he took some money from his pocket. He held the coins next to the restaurant owner's ear, and shook them, so that they made a jingling noise.

"What was that?" asked the restaurant owner.

"That was payment for you," answered Nasreddin.

"What do you mean? That was just the sound of coins!" protested the restaurant owner.

"The sound of the coins is payment for the smell of the soup," answered Nasreddin. "Now go back to your restaurant."

One day, Nasreddin was up on the roof of his house, mending a hole in the tiles. He had nearly finished, and he was pleased with his work. Suddenly, he heard a voice below call "Hello!" When he looked down, Nasreddin saw an old man in dirty clothes standing below.

"What do you want?" asked Nasreddin.

"Come down and I'll tell you," called the man.

Nasreddin was annoyed, but he was a polite man, so he put down his tools. Carefully, he climbed all the way down to the ground.

"What do you want?" he asked, when he reached the ground.

"Could you spare a little money for an old beggar?" asked the old man. Nasreddin thought for a minute.

Then he said, "Come with me." He began climbing the ladder again. The old man followed him all the way to the top. When they were both sitting on the roof, Nasreddin turned to the beggar.

"No," he said.

One day Nasreddin went to town to buy new clothes. First he tried on a pair of trousers. He didn't like the trousers, so he gave them back to the shopkeeper. Then he tried a robe which had the same price as the trousers. Nasreddin was pleased with the robe, and he left the shop. Before he climbed on his donkey to ride home, the shopkeeper and the shop-assistant ran out.

"You didn't pay for the robe!" said the shopkeeper.

"But I gave you the trousers in exchange for the robe, didn't I?" replied Nasreddin.

"Yes, but you didn't pay for the trousers, either!" said the shopkeeper.

"But I didn't buy the trousers," replied Nasreddin. "I am not so stupid as to pay for something which I never bought."

One day Nasreddin borrowed a pot from his neighbour Ali. The next day he brought it back with another little pot inside. "That's not mine," said Ali.

"Yes, it is," said Nasreddin. "While your pot was staying with me, it had a baby."

Some time later Nasreddin asked Ali to lend him a pot again. Ali agreed, hoping that he would once again receive two pots in return. However, days passed and Nasreddin had still not returned the pot. Finally Ali lost patience and went to demand his property. "I am sorry," said Nasreddin. "I can't give you back your pot, since it has died."

"Died!" screamed Ali, "how can a pot die?" "Well," said Nasreddin, "you believed me when I told you that your pot had had a baby."

Nasreddin was sitting by a river's bank when someone shouted from the opposite side.

"Hey! How do I get to the other side?

"You ARE on the other side!" Nasreddin shouted back

A neighbour comes to the gate of Nasreddin's yard. The hodja goes out to greet him.

"Would you mind, hodja," the neighbour asks, "lending me your donkey today? I have some goods to transport to the next town."

Nasreddin doesn't feel inclined to lend out the animal to that particular man, however; so, not to seem rude, he answers:
- I'm sorry, but I've already lent him to somebody else.

Suddenly the donkey is be heard braying loudly behind the wall of the yard. "You lied to me, hodja!" the neighbour exclaims. "There it is behind that wall!"

"What do you mean?" hodja replies indignantly. "whom would you rather believe, a donkey or your hodja?"

Children saw hodja coming from the vineyard with 2 basketfuls of grapes on his donkey, gathered around him and asked him to give them some.

Hodja picked up a bunch of grapes, cut it up into pieces and gave each child a piece."You have so much, but you gave us so little," the children complained. "There is no difference whether you have a basketful or a small piece. They all taste the same," Hodja remarked.

I don't care about the "can you drive here?" question. All I want to know is, how did the construct these roads? 

Yer: Istanbul, Ikitelli
Siz hic kapali kasa, yandan surgulu ama icinde oturacak yer dahi olmayan yuk kamyonu ile ise getirilen 10 calisanin 7sinin saganak yagis yuzunden 20 cm su birikmis yere "yerler islak" diye basmayi reddedip kendilerini aracin icine kapatmalarindan sonra sel yuzunden yikilan guvenlik duvarindan tasan sular ile sularin altinda kalan ayni aracta bogularak olduklerini duydunuz mu?

Yer: Kayseri
Siz hiç karanlikta iyi göremediginiz için yakit deposunun, tam dolup dolmadigini çakmak yakarak kontrol etme cesaretini kendinizde buldunuz mu? Kayseri sehirlerarasi otobüs terminalinde 38 AS 991 plakali yolcu otobüsüne mazot alan muavin Z. T. deponun tam dolup dolmadigindan emin olmak için çakmak çakarak kontrol etmek ister.
Sonuç: Buharlasan mazotun parlaması ve muavinin yanik tedavisi için hastahaneye kaldirilmasidir.

Yer: Diyarbakir
Lunaparkta gece bekçisi iki kafadar (zincirlerin ucuna baglanmis salincaklardan olusan) uçan sandalyelere biner ve mekanizmayi çalistirirlar. Ancak sandelyelerin merkezkaç kuvveti ile dönerek açilmasindan dolayi durdurmak için saltere ulasamazlar ve sabaha kadar kimseye seslerini duyuramazlar. Bu bekçilerden biri hayatini kaybetmis, digeri ise gördügü uzun tedavilere ragmen eski sagligina kavusamamistir.

Yer: Karabük
Siz demir çelik haddehanesinde çalisan bir isçinin, sigarasini yakmak için 600 tonluk preslerin arasindan emekleyerek geçtigini ve 2.450 santigrad dercedeki firina ulasmaya çalisirken son sigarasini yaktigini duydunuzmu?

Yer: Kütahya
Cinsel organindan kanamali erkek hastanin acil servisteki doktorlara bulundugu beyanindaki süphe üzerine olay polise intikal eder. Polis yaptigi arastirmada yaralinin pijamasinda cam kiriklari tespit eder. Daha sonra yapilan sorgulamada yarali kayitlara geçmemesi kaydi ile itirafta bulunur: Çay bardagi ile masturbasyon.

Yer: Giresun
Siz hiç birisinin, dis agrisindan kurtulmak için çenesine kursun siktigini ve beynini dagittigini duydunuz mu?

Yer: Istanbul, Sultanbeyli
Yuttugu sinegi öldürmek için agzina Shelltox sikip, zehirlenerek kendisi de ölen zamane uyanigini duydunuz mu?

Yer: Erzurum
Birçok ülkede insanlar berbere gidip tras olurlar, ama hiçbir berber, masaj amaciyla müsterisinin kafasini saga sola çevirirken boynunu kirmaz.

Yer: Istanbul, Bozcaada
Bankamatikten para çekerken baska bir ülkede elektrik çaprmasindan ölmezsiniz. Türkiye'de ölürsünüz.

Yer: Adapazari
Siz hiç arabasi ile yolda giderken radyoda duydugu göbek havasiyla cosup, göbek atmak için aracini kenara çeken ve otoyolda göbek atarken arkadan gelen aracin altinda kalip ölen duydunuz mu? Sözkonusu olay TEM otoyolu Sapanca mevkiinde cereyan etmistir.

Yer: Konya
Ayni is yerinde, biri gündüz biri gece vardiyasinda çalisan ve ikisi de isine motorsiklet ile gidip gelen baba-ogulun yolda karsilasmalari normaldir. Ama birbirlerine selam vermek için ellerini sallarken kaza yapip beraber ölmeleri sadece bizde vaka-i adiyedendir.

Yer: Istanbul, Ayazaga
Gelismis ülkelerde çalisan isçiler üstlerindeki imalat artiklarini temizlemek için birbirlerine kompresörle hava tutmazlar. Tutsalar bile biri saka yapmak için kompresörü digerinin poposuna dürtmez.
Dürtse bile digeri "Ulan saka öyle yapilmaz böyle yapilir" diye elindeki kompresörü sakaci arkadasinin makatina sokmaz ve bagirsaklarini basinçtan patlatarak öldürmez.

Yer: Kocaeli, Dilovasi
Hangi ülkede bir gemi mühendisi, kontrol etmek için gemi kazanina girdiginde biri baskasi gelip kazanin kapisini kapatir ve "test etcem" diye kazani atesleyip digerini kebap yapmaz.

GÜVEN IYIDIR AMA KONTROL DAHA IYIDIR (ALMAN ATASÖZÜ)
GÜVEN IYIDIR AMA KONTROL GEREKMEZ (TÜRK MENTALITESI)

Yer: Rize
Hangi ülkede elektrik diregine yaslanip ayakkabisina giren tasi çikarmak için ayakkabisini silkeleyen birisi yoldan geçen bir baskasi tarafindan (cereyana kapildigi zannedilerek, kurtarmak amaciyla temas etmeden) kürekle vurularak kurtarilmaya çalisilir?

Yer: Trabzon
Siz hiç baska bir ülkede bir insanin tuttugu futbol takiminin maçi ya da siyasi partinin seçimi kazanip kazanmayacagi hakkinda bir "uzvu" üzerine iddiaya girdigini; "eger kazanamazsam ben de bunu keserim" dedigini; iddiayi kaybedince de besmele ile abdest alip iki rekat namaz kildiktan sonra "onu" kestigi ve kan kaybindan öldügünü duydunuz mu?

Yer: Afyon
Siz hiç kahvehanede okey oynanirken insanlarin ve okey masalarinin üzerine inek dustugunu ve insanlarin inegin altinda kalarak oldugunu duydunuz mu?